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Bliss

Kisses on my spine
Incense lit
Trace my lips
With your fingertips...
There is a word for this
"Bliss"

I am however, daydreaming. Once again infatuated things that I dont have. Because in regards to "bliss", my feet are swift and before it occurs, im long gone...

Kisses on my spine
Incense lit
Trace my lips
With your figertips...
There's a phrase for this
Fuck that shit

I Put Up...

A good front
A good smile and wink
A approachable face
Coversation that will make you think
That im fine
about the whole situation...
Frustrating
Debating
Im waiting
Contemplating
When I want you to know
How it make me feel
As oppose to being fake
Because I can hide my emotions
All too well
Yes, I've been here before...
I go back to this emotionless place of comfort
For a number of reasons
Firstly, because I can
Secondly, because I want to
Thirdly, because I like to be in control
Of all my emotions
in very situation
I have a funny way of reassuring myself
That you can't upset me
To the point where you can measure how sensitve
I put up...
With bullshit
Broken promises
Lies
Lack of loyalty
And wear a disguise
Like everything is fine
My eyese would tell a different story
if you just looked
you dont even notice
not a glimpse
or take the hint
That I put up...
A front
A facade
A false hope that it will be okay
And slowly put away
A portrait
A photo
A memory
anything that reminds me of what we will never be
Because it doesnt matter if i react
or retract
or act
put up
or put away
pull forward
or push thru...
you
and I
Are, and always have been
Through

A lot of people come to mind when I wrote this (20 minutes ago). Not just men, but relatives, old friends. I really have a shield that only I hold. Behind it is where I put my emotions for safe keeping-I know its dangerous to approach life that way but I do...

Hi

There is something about this guy that makes me stop what im doing (like what i was doin b4 i started this poem)
and just think about him (and only him)...
or us (and only us)...
its annoying (but i do it anyway)
I hope that I have the same affect on him as he does me (But i doubt it)
Because every time I see him (which isnt as often as i wish)
I want to take his hand (i like that his nails are clean)
and walk away from any and everyone else (they're distracting)
sit under a tree
and lay
alllllll damnnnnn dayyy
It would make my season brighter (im not sure if santa will do me proud this year)
This chip on my shoulder lighter (its heavy as shit)
if he would just...
lay with me
talk (about politics or nothin at all)
eat grapes (green ones)
and fall asleep
with me (and only me)
today (like right now)...
but its not going to happen
Because Im too afraid
to push harder
Never in a rush to feel rejected
Neglected
disrespected
So i will continue to act like Im unaffected
When we walk past each other
and just say Hi

I realized over the Thankstaking holiday that my family is quite dysfunctional..im not bothered by it. I find it rather interesting...
I saw Precious over the weekend...it was the first movie that made me shed a tear..it was sad. People who have color complexes are sad, people who change their eye color are sad, people who perm and wear weave because they want to look mainstream or white are sad. People have become scientific implants-brest, butt, lips, et cetera. They are pathetic to me, and I genuinely feel bad for them....it drove me to write this:

Dear Black Girl

First things first, if you wanna make it as an entertainer, in corporate America, or even as a house wife, there are a few things that you have to do. You absolutely positively make sure your breast are at least a size D, preferably a DD; and you gotta have the ass to match. Your butt has to fat not flabby but fat. Like Lola Love, Melissa Ford, Beyonce, FAT! This may require you to exercise more or get the butt implant that white girls get. Either way, figure it out. Now thats rule number one. Number two - no matter what, you gotta wear high heels, at least like 5 inches. You need to start now, I dont care if you are 10, or 11, whatever...START NOW. You might as well get some calf implants while youre at it and make sure you have nice legs. They cant be flabby and they cant be quarterback strong, they gotta be Rihanna legs. And since you got nice legs and stilettos, you hve to show your legs. Dress like a stripper where ever you go - to the supermarket, interview, gast station, where ever. Then, long as youre dressing like a stripper, you gotta act like one from time to time. Be stereotypical! All publicity is good publicity, so go ahead and act like a ho at all cost! This may require you to walk outside butt naked one day, or kiss other girls, do splitso n the red carpet at the Soul Train Awards...DO IT! Also, you gotta be light skinned. You absolutely gotta be light. If you aint light skinned, you aint gonna make it. It you darker than a brown paper bag, you better start usin that shit that Sammy Sosa uses! Oh yea and you have to have longgggggggggggg weave. It can be straight or curly but it BETTA NOT BE NAPPY. Dont even think about being natural either. If it dont come from a horses ass, then you wont make it. After you COMPLETELY change your appearance to the point where you even your parents recognize you, then you should get start to get soem endorsements - Double Mint gun, Mountain Dew, if youre lucky, Eastern Moters Insurance Company. Maybe afterwards you'll be invited to 106 and Park and thennnn maybe you can focus on your career...good luck

My confessions

Im indecisive, and I hate it.

When Im insecure, I tend to change my hair (cut it all off, grow an afro, get braids, now locs)

I make false promises to myself and keep ones that I make to other people.

My worst fears: the lost of a loved one, marrying a downlow brother, STDs, being unsucessful

I try to live up to my standards as well as other peoples
I yern for the things that I do have

I believe that I will be apart of that 64% of black women who never get married, it scares me

I know I should go to church more

I have several defense mechanisms

I have a tough exterior but am sensitive as a nerve

trust me, it sounds worse than it is. Despite it all, I am happy... but yea thats all I got for now

First impressions

Soooo Im at work...bored. Waitin to leave. Come on 2:00!!!
Whats funny is when you first meet someone and you like them a whole lot-but you barely know them. You ever met someone and you are just like yea...this person is it. They say all the right jokes, they're attractive, seem uncomplicated, this person just seems perfect at first glace. Then you have just oneeeeeeee phone conversation and you like yea...THIS PERSON IS IT lol. You may talk for hours and still barely know them. Its okay tho, cuz at face value, they are on point. And you think about them alllll day and embellish on their positive characteristics; think about the conversations yall have had, add words and just tell yourself that this person is on point. Its like you feed into who they COULD be...then one day, you realize reality and you be like yea...this person is HUMAN. Its a sad day.
I've realized something today...I reside in a fantasy world. I live in freakin La La Land. I give people the benefit of the doubt more than most, I leave A LOTTTTTTT of room for error, i dont acknowledge the bad aspects of folks or myself. I have a lot to work on....its not that I cant, its just really hard for me to handle the truth. Its soo hard for me to accept people for who they truly are instead of who I want them to be or who I know they could be.

My mind is in the clouds, I write it all down...
D

Break Bread

Its Thanksgiving time children, time to break bread
Prepare your hearts for the blessing of the food while we as a people continue to wait to be fed.
We sit bed ridden, doped up on meds.
Yes at a table of all the finest dishes we are in a hospital bed.
HIV/AIDS skinny, with flu like symptoms
More than the common cold, yes we are the victims
Injected with an illness that cant be fully described
So we pop prescriptions but most of us aint really alive.
Drink ourselves to sleep and throw it up the next morning,
Drug each other with no concern, pick at old wounds when new new ones are formin.
Murder our brothers keeper and bleach our skin to the point where we are invisible... nah somethin just aint right.
So we gon keep on eatin our hospital food all thanksgiving day and all night
Waitin to get cured
We digest what they give us til we cant stomach it no more...
yes children we are the epitome of a plan gone wrong
And to them our cries for help sound like a hip hop song
We have struggled continuously, loved effortlessly, and have endure pain
At the end of the day children, we have done nothing but sustained
Hundred of thousands murdered with shots to the head
Insensitive to crime, some of us are already dead
Others are in bed
Or sleepwalking with no direction at all
We walk the straight line for the police and are arrested when we fall
Drowning in mass confusion somewhere in the Atlantic others have drifted off with Katrina.
And we STILL waitin for the government to help us but how we know Obama aint gonna be like FEMA.
The souls of our parents' parents are still burning in churches and hanging on trees
Its true- my children, if we hate our roots then we gotta hate the leaves.
Roots being our ancestors, leaves being you
So we take off our head wraps and want to look cool
Modern day fool
Lets sit back and count up what we've been thru
Decades of continuous rape and many moments of deceit
Blood from our head dripping drippin onto our feet.
Oh yes its Thanksgiving, time for a feast!
They prepare their laps with napkins and shake hands with their fellow beast.
At our expense they continue to rise,
Eat healthy, be merry they survive and we die.
Capitalism is controversial when our community is not longer alive.
We aint like them, we dont eat off the same plate
They arrive to the big house on time and we are still late
Our food is cold...and until we get out of this hospital we will remain underfed
Underappreciated
Underthebus
And under the destruction of their meds
If youre hungry
Go out into the plantation, steal whats yours and get fed

Her name is november

As it seems, you only get to be in a happy relationship during 2 extreme seasons- during the months of summer (summer love) and during the winter (winter bun time). People cuddle up when its extremely cold and when its extremely hot. In fall and spring, youre on your own, maybe because those are seasons of complete transition, limbo. Or maybe it just seems this way...
I've come to the conclusion that what I have wanted, time and time again, in all of the relationships that I have become involved in, is to not just think it but to know that I am relevant...taken into consideration...of some kind of importance...I need to feel special. Is that too much to ask?? Ironically, I end up being the person, who goes above and beyond. I give what I want and never receive....soo really, am I the problem??

I dont know..

Pain

I feel like I just took a bullet. Just know that when it hits you, the emotional pain becomes physical, and then you are just that much more immuned to the feeling of being hurt....

Up goes the shield....

Recent observations

I've been observing people a lot lately. Starting with myself...I think Im kinda interesting. In some instances, I dont speak unless spoken to and then in other instances Im the most vocal. Or I can be a complete fool at times, making anyone laugh and other times I can be completely removed from interaction with other people. Maybe its the Gemini in me but I cant make up my mind, Im all over the place. I am a jack of all trades, not completely efficient in any one thing but can adapt very well to any enviroment or circumstance. I want to be a lot of things...im wildly unstable right now and I desperately want to be in a stable, comfortable place...I love love and despise it at the same time. When it flies out of the window, I care, but I dont typically stretch my neck out to see where it went....

The following is a list that I gathered when it comes to other people:

• If we take no pride in being African and no pride in being American how can we ever take pride in being African American??
• If justice was a person, she woulda have died a long time ago
• Breath, Stretch, Shake and LET IT GO
• There is only one acceptable thing to do when there is a lot on your plate...eat quicker
• Lots of stinky people fake the funk
• Catapillers dont resist their transition into butterflies...why should people?
• On facebook, everyone is a superstar...they make themselves more intersting then they really are. Is your live really that specticular, my guess is no
• The hilltop is becoming more similar to BET
• I am not just as many things as I am
  
• It is very important, in every situation, for you to keep your head tilted, back straight and keep one foot in front of the other

Random..i kno.

If I ever did a wanted Ad..

Gemini (born on the very last day of the sign so Im boarderline cancer)
Twenty-one and a half
I've been told that I'm cool. Whatever.
Enjoys ice cream, big earrings, soul food, movies and head wraps
Opinionated, determined, and loving

I'm looking for a gentleman who looks handsome and is goal oriented, yes ambitious. He needs to be easy on the eyes and outgoing. He should value family, and should always be loyal. He should not be a scrub, instead, he should have a legitimate job. He should know how to drive. Hopefully, wont mind tickling me, and going out of his way to make me smile. I like to be held. He should fully understand his role as a black man- by that i mean, able and willing to provide, give sound advice, be protective, loyal and discipline. Education is important. But he has to know that graduating from college with a little piece of paper does not mean that you are educated, instead he is continuously trying to better himself. I want someone who reads...yea. I listen to Erykah Badu, please have an appreciation for Neo-Soul and R&B. In short, Im looking for people who are assets, not liabilities

I dont want much...right

Recollection

Life always amazes me. Im always "thrown for a loop". But Im most in awe at the minor details rather than the bigger picture. I get excited over the little things...like the first time a child calls my name (which happened yesterday. I was trying to get my friends 2 year old daughter to say Dana and point to me and she wouldnt do it, then while I was strapping her into her car seat, she said it) or the first time I hold a new baby. I get fascinated by the first butterfly that I see in the spring time and the amber color of the leaves in the fall. My world is full of minor details that I focus in on....I am most in awe by memories. Like that of soap in my eyes while being washed up, getting zipped up to my neck, like having to sit at the dinner table and write my vocabulary words 5 times, write definitions and then write a sentence. I think one of the worst diseases is Alzheimer's. Not only because you dont remember people that you've know for years, but also because you cant remember the minor things in life that made your heart smile. For me, its little occurrence that happen along my day that pushes me to keep going. then I remember those little things when I feel like I cant make it any more. Yea the future is important but the past is VITAL. Thats why no matter what happens, I love life. Each day, each hour, each minute is a new opportunity to make more memories, and therefore more reasons to smile. Even if I loose a hour, a day or a moment, I can always rely on memories and then it hits me that I always have today therefore I have gained more time...

Its important

Its important...that at all times..I practice the following...

• patience
• peace
• inspiration
• love
• care
• tenderness
• humility
• gratitude
• stregnth
• knowledge
• weakness
• discipline
• growth
• inspired
• joy
• diligence
• trust

No matter how hard it gets..

FYI

I was never single because I was never good enough; rather I was single because none of you fuckers were good enough for me. Believe that when Im ready, stable and someone matches me, then it will happen the way it should.

Happy Wednesday!!!! :)

Weekend update

I had a really interesting weekend. Let me run it back proper....
Friday- 6:10 p.m. I went to go see Capitalism, A love story. It was very very good. Very liberal but very very good, in my opinion. I dont believe that Capitalism is fair. I actually believe that it is a major contributing force to the destruction of this "great" country. I feel bad for those of us who are STRUGGLING and WORKING sooo hard while trying to attain this so called American dream....the American dream is just that, a dream. Everyone has the power to make it their reality but those who want it the baddest often fall on their face. Its too bad. I dont have a rendition of the American Dream-I have my own dream that has nothing to do with America...to work in the non-profit sector for a organization that focuses on education or children. I want a husband and 3 kids, 2 boys and 1 girls. I want a house in a middle class neighborhood, 2 regular ass, good running, dont-eat-up gas, cars, and to go to sleep most nights feeling secure about my job, my family and myself. Its that simple. But back to Capitalism and this so called "Free Enterprise", I think its good in theory only and that we need to go back to the ways of our ancestors and focus more on uplifting our entire community together. If that means I gotta put more on my taxes so u can get better health care- so be it, cuz I know what its like to struggle....back to the date, we went to see Capitalism, walked to the Capital, talked, chow down on some Chipotle and went our separate ways. It made me happy. He was a gentleman, the food and movie were good, and the conversation was good. This has potential....i'll keep u updated.
Saturday=AIDS walk. No, I didnt have money to contribute but I walked for the cause.I heard they raised somethin like 800,000.00. Thats good, seeing as how I couldnt contribute. I sat up, worked on a paper and waited for someone who I considered a friend to give me my DVDS back...to no avail I got a call 4 hours after he was suppose to come over. He never came...at no point this weekend. I want my Goofy Movie and Skeloton Key Movie. Maybe next weekend.
Sunday- Feed the homeless and hungry. Made me feel good. I only fed like 30 but at least I know 30 ppl were fed. Feeding the hungry humbles you. Its a constant reminder of what you life could be...and I met up with a olddddddddddd friend. Im talkin Delaware State University old. He and I have liked each other for years lol but neither of us has ever bust a move. He is staying on P street, I live on O. He came to my house and watched football and tickled me. I was reminded that love could be right around the corner, literally :)

Life

This is the only life I may ever have. It may get worse, it may get better-its all up to me. I make my own choices, nothing is dictated by any ones opinions, I dont judge folks, I get tired sometimes....Im human but I try to be a superwoman. I have big dreams and I work towards them. Sometimes I think that Im not good enough but I keep going because no one is gonna push me but myself. At the end of each day, I try to make myself a little bit better than I use to be. Im not too hard on my self but I know life isnt easy. I treat it as if its a gift and I try to be careful of who I allow into my space...a lot of people say they dont have regrets, well I do. If I could do some things over I would. If I could not meet some people who I allowed into my life I would. Fuck believing that everyone serves a purpose blah blah blah, everyone doesnt. If they did you would know it-some people are purposeless, in my opinion...I guess I am nothing but a semi-empty glass filled with nothing but possibilities. But I wont break, even if I fall, and I do fall more than most. What gets me up every morning is the possibilities that lie ahead. Im in awe only that things that are marvelous to me. I only pay attention to the worthy. This world, America, is nothing more than an illusion of a cohesive community, in reality all we have is ourselves and if you fuck up, its on you because this is the only life you may ever have...

Dont look backk..

Literally, I get startled by the smallest occurrences… My concentration becomes easily broken, focus becomes fractured with the tiniest crack splitting my attention – but never completely shattered it...You see, I can just as easily get back on track…However, I can’t help but wonder why these distractions, that are neither here nor there, have such a profound affect on me…Is it coincidental that these occurrences always occur behind me? I always look, become startled, and continue to gaze behind me until I remember to focus on the present…It’s almost as if, im not looking forward to the future as much as I should…Why is it that I dwell on the past?

Asswipe.Muskrat.Platypus.Dirtbaggg

Drunken Afternoons:
Last summer I went on a hideous date. I was talkin to this dude...we'll call him muskrat. Muskrat calls me and was like you tryin to go to the mall, Im like sure. I meet him at his apartment and we ride to pentagon city. Whole time he has this water bottle and is takin sips of it. We walk around for a bit and decide we are going to go to the movies afterward. He says "lets go to the food court real quick" Im like okay. We go to Mccy D's and I get myself some food and all he gets is some juice. We sit down and Im like, all you want is juice? you already have water! He is like this isnt water...and he puts some of what looks like water in the cup of juice. Im sittin there watchin him and I slowwwwwwwwwwly realized that he does...not...have...water...ITS VODKA! He is busy getting drunk on what I thought was a date. OMG OMG OMG. Asswipe. Muskrat. Platypus. Dirtbaggggggg. That is where the date ended


Free Movie Pass Havin Ass:
This summer, last weekend to be exact, I go out with a different guy...we'll call him scrub. Scrub CALLS ME, I dont call him, and asks what im doin. Im like nothin, wassup. He is like we should hang out. Im like okay, what do you wanna do. He says, lets go to the movies. Okayyyy. Im thinkin we can meet at Gallery Place but he says he will come out to Largo. Now, in case you dont know, Largo is ghetto and full of kids. Gallery Place is a lot better. So he gets on the train and I meet him in Largo. We stand in line. He has on a really cute outfit, might I add. We get closer to the front and Im stading in front of him. I think to myself, maybe I should pull out my wallet, so I do. I also think that he is going to tell me to put it back...after all, it is a first date and he asked me out. He doesnt ask me to put it back. So I go ahead and pay for my movie ticket. One for Bruno please. I get my ticket and step asside. Why oh whyyyy does he pull out a free movie pass. A FREE MOVIE PASS. He doesnt pay for my ticket or his!!!! WTF WTF WTF. Asswipe. Muskrat. Platypus. Dirthbaggggg. After the movie he asked, "when ima see you again". Never!!! How the fuck are you gonna pull out a coupan for YOURSELF on a first date and nottt even hook me up. WTF

-Reminder to self...NO SCRUBS!

Utter Bullshit

Let me start by saying what is not okay: People who try to influence children with a one sided ideology of government, history and other social issues. There is no way that this is okay. However this is what is occurring in Texas. Apparently, the school board has hired conservative experts to help them to change and improve the curriculum within their public schools. These experts would like to erase all kinds of civil rights leaders from the history books- people like Caesar Chavez and Thurgood Marshall.Evidently people like Thurgood Marshall are “not qualified” to be in the history books. Let me give you some quotes:
• "To have César Chávez listed next to Ben Franklin" – as in the current standards – "is ludicrous," wrote evangelical minister Peter Marshall
• “[Thurgood] Marshall is just not a STRONG enough example” said Peter Marshall
Soo lets address the “unqualified” argument. My question is, if Chavez and Thurgood arent qualified, who is?? Lets look at Thurgood for a moment. He overcame his own discrimination within his own life. He rectified discrimination through his accomplishments as lawyer who won Brown v. Board of Education. Then, if that’s not enough, he becomes the first African American judge in our supreme courts and works to change discrimination across the nation. Chavez-And he isn’t qualified to be in our history books? His accomplishments arent good enough? What more does he have to do, except be white…but I digress.

Even more appalling, there is another quote from Barton, Former Vice Chair of Texas Republican party
• because the U.S. is a republic rather than a democracy, the proper adjective for identifying U.S. values and processes should be "republican" rather than "democratic." That means social studies books should discuss "republican" values in the U.S., his report said.I have a serious problem with reinforcing “republican values” within the public school system. I have an even bigger problem with erasing key people who absolutely deserve to be remembered for their accomplishments and sacrifices. Social studies is suppose to be a reflection of the progression of social issues in our nation. It should not be an area that simply highlights a set group of iconic Americans, who just so happens to look alike. Thurgood Marshall is unquestionably one of the most influential Americans of the twentieth century. How can one argue otherwise? School children should be inspired civil rights leaders such as he as well as leaders such as Medger Evers, Fannie Lou Hammer, and Rosa Parks. To disregard the accomplishments of pivotal leaders, to withhold important historical information, and enforce a one sided perspective and account of our progression definitely encourages us to move backwards as a nation.

Whites only pool

Two weeks ago outside Philadelphia, 65 children from a summer camp tried to go swimming at a club that their camp had a contract to use. Apparently, the people at the club didn't know that the group of kids was predominantly Black. When the campers entered the pool, White parents allegedly took their kids out of the water, and the swimming club's staff asked the campers to leave. The next day, the club told the summer camp that their membership would be canceled and that their payment would be refunded. When asked why, the club's manager said that a lot of kids "would change the complexion ... and the atmosphere of the club."1 A "Whites only" pool in 2009 should not be tolerated. The club's actions appear to be a violation of section 1981 of the Civil Rights Act.2 Whether or not any laws were violated, a "Whites only" pool should be something every American condemns. Please join us in doing exactly that, and please email your friends and family and invite them to do the same. Your signature will also be used to call on the Department of Justice to evaluate suing the facility under federal law. It takes just a moment to do both, here: http://www.colorofchange.org/swim/?id=1629-827102Obama is President but that doesn't mean that suddenly all is fine when it comes to race in America. This is a vivid reminder of what we know still lies beneath the surface. We all know stories like this one -- similar incidents play out quietly every day in different communities across the country. The difference in this case is that folks got caught and there was a contract in place that makes for a potentially illegal act. Standing up now isn't just about making things right for these kids in Philadelphia or bringing consequences to this swim club (called the Valley Swim Club). It's about creating a climate of accountability everywhere. If we can publicly shame the Valley Swim Club and hold them accountable for this incident, it will make others think twice before engaging in what appears to be blatant discrimination. Please join us in condemning the Valley Swim Club's behavior and calling on the Justice Department to investigate whether they violated civil rights laws. And please ask your friends and family to do the same. http://www.colorofchange.org/swim/?id=1629-827102
Thanks and Peace, --
James, Gabriel, William, Dani and the rest of the ColorOfChange.org team

Daydreaming of love

Its a lazy afternoon
The evening breeze is about to blow
I inhale calmly while daydreaming
Exhale nice a slow


I release inhabitions
I let go of fear
I touch the surface for solitude
And and this is what I hear...


The crys of my ancestors
The joys of my neice
The war in Iraq
The prayer for peace
The calmness of water
The chaos of wind
The love of each other
The shakles of disappointment
The dodgeball in the park
The burgers on the grill
The tracing of my history
The way love feels

The way love feels

Anything beyond love
I dont see or understand
I embrace my lazy afternoon
And dream about Egyptian sand
Inhale
Exhale
Tighten up
Let go
The world is constantly spinning
So I twirl in a field of flowers
As I learn to just let it flow

Moments in Time

I've realized how significant and equally insignificant certain moments are.
We pick them out like cherries in a sundae and eat them whole...moments that were painful are remembered, dissected and extracted, bringing us negativity and pain. why do they matter. Out of everything else happening, out of the good that goes over looked in our lives, why does the bad moments even matter. They are cherished like an award, dwelled upon and relived through our emotions when we think about them. We ignore the humor in children who say simple words in funny ways, we ignore the luxuries of a warm breeze on a summer night, we ignore the yummyness (lol) of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and grape juice, we ignore the good that we have in our lives and become distraught at the mere thought of a moment in time. A moment in the past. A moment that should not matter anymore.
I am trying to move past the utter bullshit that I have experienced and stop over looking my blessings. I am trying to forgive and move on.

God help me to look at the bigger picture...

Bitchassness

GRRRRR let me start by saying that I heard a great quote once- "females are bitchy every week, its just that when they are on their period, they have an excuse". Perhaps.

Anyways- i have to ge this off my chest. I absolutely,positively hate when people go on facebook and decide to put up pictures of every aspect of their fabulous lives. Like if you have a awesome weekend, you post the shoes you wore, the drinks you drank, the time that it was, et cetera instead of just you and who ever was with you smiling. Do you have to post everything??? It shows up in my mini feed and it annoys me....
Also, i must say it, and maybe I feel this way because Im locking my hair and dont feel quite as pretty, but Beyonce is starting to get on my nerves too. Shes perfect. How can me, a normal yet interesting black woman compete or even co-exsist with this beautiful, talented, freak of nature who constantly reminds us of how inadequate and lacking we are. Noww, she is parading around in these body suites, that us ordinary women cant just wear all willy nilly, and her long luscious hair and even skin. She is impossible..and impossible standard of beauty that is older than me. Wayyyyy older. At least Tyra shows her flaws so we can all wipe the sweat off our forehead. GRRRR beyonce!
Finally...let me tell you all about the sick joke that was played on me by my ex boyfriend. He text me and said that at the very least we could trade movies. I went to his house, we went out, a friendly closer type of outing that included a meal. By the end of the night I stretched my arms and said well this is it...ohh where is my movie (i had already given him his). Whyyyyy did he not have it. Why the fuck did he have me under the impression that I was getting it. This was suppose to be like a closure type of thing and nowwww the process is being prolonged. He thought it was funny. It was a sick joke

If my life was ever turned into a music video, this would be it....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9kYo5qxFODU

Pop off or wait?

Have you ever been angry? Like really angry. Like you can feel a physical change in your body. Like you heart rate increases, you tummy feels like there are tennis balls bouncing around in it, your throat feels like you've just dry swallowed a pill. Likeeeeeee you need to say something to someone. Sometime hurtful, something that will serve as a adequet counteract to what you are feeling. Its like your mind goes blank for a while and then you feel a sudden burst of emotion...im fuckin angry. There are certain people that I absolutely refuse to talk to again, ever. People amaze and shock the hell out of me. Life scares me, because shit is just literally thrown at you and you have to take it. And you have so many choices. You can be silent, you can be loud, you can preoccupy your time, you can be distructive, you can brush it off, you can overwork yourself, you can underwork yourself, you can over eat, you can undersleep...you can do a lot of things. Or you can wait. I ususally choose to wait. But this right here, may call for me to pop off. Wait or pop off...wait or pop off...either way something is gonna happen. GRRRRR people. Fuck my life. I think Im actually a little hurt. Show emotion or hide it. wait or pop off. UGGHHHH people. I have terrible choices in men. Thats what it boils down to. I am horrible at choosing men. I may just adopt a child and not have a husband. Why? Because i dont know how to pick em. HMMMMM people. Im gonna wait, unless Im challenge, then I'll pop off. And Im not gonna show any emotion....

Detachment

When I was 9 years I got married to who I thought would be my elementary school sweetheart, Sanjeet. He and I got married at recess. He made me a flower ring by tying the stem of the flower to make a circle. We broke up later on because our fake son told me that he was cheating on me with this thick girl named Reginae. Our fake son lied....that was my first break up. Since then there has been

1. Soccer
2. D. Rob
3. Batts
4. Mike
5. Mr. Carter
6. Swales

Five out of six of the aforementioned relationships ended up with me getting my feelings hurt. Thats not okay. And five out of six of them, I actually put forth effort to try to rekindle or make things work out. I still pushed for the idea of a possibility instead of accepting the natural way that things were suppose to happen. For instance, D. Rob, my boyfriend from 10th to 12th grade really did me a favor by breaking up with me...now, he is working at some mortician place with a 2 yr old daughter and baby mama who apparently had sex with one of his friends. I dont talk to him often at all but he doesnt seem to have it all. If I woulda stayed with him, i would be that baby mama-ugh. I would not have been able to access my own power and potential because his bad luck and energy would have rubbed off on my, like it does when sex happends, and I too would have been unsuccessful at age 21. It took for him to transfer school for me to completely detach myself from him. Just like I am beginning to see that I will have to do with each of my other exes. I need to focus soley on self and stop putting forth effort to shit that i know is not going to work out. Im bouta stop fighting for shit that isnt fighting for me.

Sooo Im making a resolution, in light of my new found single, black womanhood, I will date:

• No scrubs lol
• Men who commit to me as much as I commit to them
  Men who wipe their own ass
• Men who inspire me, not so much as the other way around
• Men who match my fly
• Men who dont try to be cool
• Men who are cool with out effort
  Men who like Malcolm X, etc.
  Men who aspire to work in leadership positions
• Men who can dance as good as I can
• Men who can talk about politics
• Men who can cook
• Men who insist and help me learn how to cook
• Men who have a mind of their own
• Men who are gentlemen
• Men who wont be threatened by me
• Men who recognized that I am a Empress
  Men are in the process of getting their shit together
• Family men
• Men who havent been arrested
• Men who can tell me whats wrong with my car
• Men who are fun
• Men who play fight
  

The list is long but I dont think that the things that Im asking for are out of reach. I fit into all the aforementioned categories. I mean, really, is it too much to ask for someone who is equally yoked???

thats all i got for now...

BET Awards..

Dear BET,
You have officially dropped the ball

• Lets call it what it is- A tribute to Michael Jackson show. Its not an awards show when you only give out 5 awards
• Lil waynes messed up Drakes performance by using 10 year old little girls as back up dancers doin the chicken head on stage while he was sayin that he "wishes he could fuck every girl in the world"
• Beyonce spoke no english during her performance and revealed her wedding dress.
• baby boy skit went toooooo far. it wasnt funny anymore
• jamie foxx performed 4 times and promoted tour dates- unprofessional. Additionally he almost bust his ass on stage trying to moon walk
• They didnt announce the nominees for any of the awards...but this is an awards show right, right
• Let me just say that everyone can not do Michael Jackson. This is in fashion and dance...Kerri Hilson, Im talkin to you
• Don Cornelius drooled....i digress

There were long pauses and piss poor editing. The entire show was a mess. Im over it

First Date...

Sooo Im single...No worries. Im dating...worries. A first date is like a 3 hour interview, except there is food and drinks. Nevertheless they can be awkward and everyone wants to seem appealing. Its like you dont want to give too much of yourself away but you want to show enough of yourself so that they can distinguish you, and they dont get you fucked up with someone else. You want them to be intrigued. Its a lot to think about. Not to mention, you have to pay attention to them, to see if you even like them enough to allow them to escort you to another date. When in doubt, there are certain things that I think you should pay attention to. Im no dating expert, my 21st bday wasnt even a week ago but I have gathered some lessons over the years.

Pay close attention to:

1. Shoe size
Self explanatory. Dating doesnt necessarily lead to sex. However most people who date are either looking for a relationship or looking for someone to have sex with. Most men seem to be lookin for someone to have sex with and most women seem to be lookin for a relationship. Either way, if it comes to it, the best thing is to have an idea of whats what. Sex is important and is often underestimated. So dont neglect the shoe size...

2. How he pulls out his money
Tells you something about his swagg, if he values a dollar and how messy or neat his life is. If he has a nicely stack of dollars in a money clip or suitable wallet, its a good thing. More than likely, he is a neat bachelor who organizes everything down to his money. Also he values and accounts for dollar he earns. Jumbled up ones and fives in his pocket that are unattractive. He will prolly look at you when the dinner bill comes and say "I thought I had a twenty". No my brother, unacceptable.

3. How he controls the conversation
Does he have anything to say? Is he intelligent? Or is he nice looking brick wall. Furthermore does he carry the conversation. Does he take control of it but leaves room for you to interject, exchange thoughts and speak? If he takes control of something as minuet as a conversation, then you shouldnt have to worry about making small decisions like picking a place to go out. Also, he may possibly take control in other places that you may want to let him take the lead on. If he is able to execute a conversation then he is able to execute masculinity and let you sit back and be a woman. I prefer that.

Got anything to add?

Spring Cleaning

I febrezed with the air effects
Wit the lemon smell
You know the kind
But it wasn’t enough
Images of you were everyone, not only on my mind

So
I swept (disappointment)
I scrubbed (frustration)
I threw away (false anticipations)
I took the trash out (items that remind me of you)…of the house and backyard (including your tee-shirt and shorts)
And there you were
Still
You wont just bow gracefully
And leave
So I tucked away (feelings)
I vacuumed (hope)
I dusted (fear)
I sprayed some Ajax, mixed with Mr. clean mixed with Scrubbing bubbles
And then I let it sit
And sit
And sit
On the surface It looked clean
But I knew it was dirty as shit
So this is it
I wiped one good time
Then two good times
Then a third
I squeezed my filthy rag
Over the sink
Then I looked back at what was a mess
And it all became clear
And now
Like right now
I don’t even smell you
Hear you
Feel you
Taste you
See you
Nor the stain that we both thought you left

SOI (Statement of Intent)

90% of women want the same things out of their serious relationships...reciprocated commitment, romance, intensity, premium value and respect, perhaps mutual love and TLC. After we get all of this we still arent satisfied. Nothing seems to please us more than the "title". Not necessarily, my girlfriend title but maybe "my baby's mama" if it applies, "my girl" will do, "my baby" can suffice. Everyone wants to be professed as something and everyone loves a title. Men wont admit it but they themselves thrive off of titles. They are soooo set on who they are, what type of man they are, et cetera. Its the difference between Sean Carter and Jay Z, Sean Combs, Puff Daddy and P.Diddy, the difference between a daddy and a Father. Titles mean something special and to be professed as my friend or this is _______ means that, that is exactly who you are, nothing more, nothin less. Even if you are introduced to his mama, his friends, his co workers, you are nothing more than the title, the introduction that he has given you. He isnt claiming you as his own, has not put the notice that you are taken, has not given no special signal or red light that is code for OFFLIMITS. Nothing. And in my mind, if after about a year of receiving nothing more than the friend title, then maybe he has no real plans for being with you any time soon and is probably preoccupied with something else- a woman, a job, comfort in his lifestyle where he doesnt have to commit to you. Whatever the issue is, it is out of your control.
As women, we give and give til it aint nothin left. We are generous, considerate, patient and nurturing and subconsciously try to prove that we are "the one". I say subconsciously because usually it is without effort. And we hold on until we feel that we cant physically, mentally AND emotionally do so anymore. At a certain point the title is important to some of us because it says something. It makes an important statement, a statement of intent.

Maybe love can make it better...

I must admit…I’m annoyed

I’m annoyed with myself. I’m utterly disappointed in myself. I exit a relationship, reflect, consider what I could have done better, what he could have done better, and how I will act in the future when it comes to him, and who ever is next. I learn the lesson and always see the light at the end of the tunnel, even if the light is make believe, I convince myself that there is light down the road and It was a greattttttt learning experience.
But there is a pattern in my behavior. It involves me coming off as this STRONG BLACK WOMAN with a no nonsense attitude and thennnn after a while, I lose that. I become extra considerate, extra tolerant and extra understanding. Where do you draw the line???
Take Ray Charles wife for instance, she was strong right, right. But she was also sooo weak for staying with a cheating ass junky right, perhaps. How do you measure your needs against your desires? That’s my problem. It isn’t that my boyfriend is cheating, nor is he a junky, but he is unable to meet some of my needs right now. Patience. Ray Charles eventually got it together, right, right. But for every Ray Charles there is a black man who never gets it together. Is time ever wasted if everything happens when it is suppose to, and on time. I guess it comes down to taking control over your life verses expecting shit to work itself out. What is God’s intent?
And this is another issue that I have. I confuse my damn self over simple issues. My issues are simple, I make things complicated. Maybe it has to do with me being a woman. As it seems, men are naturally logical and rational while women are naturally complicated. Women seem to view the world as a web with interlocking events that lead to this big picture. We pay attention to small detail like how far into the relationship that we hold hands or when we exchange a real embrace and not a simple hug. Men view the world for what it is, nothing more, nothing less. A hug is a hug, hand held is a hand held. It doesn’t mean anything except that another sense is playing a role in two people relating to each other…
Maybe I should just act the way he does, try to think like a man. But then the ying and yang will be all thrown off and im a firm believer in balance, so that wouldn’t work for me. My needs would be that much more unmet!
Whatever, maybe love could make it better….

CARPE DIEM

So I've been gone for a longggggggggg time. This semester was a pain in the ass...6 classes, 18 credits, working 20 hours a week, and Ubiquity. it was rough. I managed to get a 3.4 though so its all good. Im happy summer is finally knocking on my front door. Come in

So i have a story, its pretty fun.
My sister, Kaba is in la la land. She is not conventional but she is a beautiful person and I love her dearly. She is broke, and has to pay rent, gas for her car, food, and has about 7 or 8 tickets. Yea thats a problem. So we went to Wachovia to open her up a savings account. She gets 25.00 and I do too for referring her. We go in and start with the assistant. Black guy, prolly 5'10, 26 years old, light skinned, cute. We all get to talking while he is putting in her paperwork. He says, "do you have a job" she says nope, yall hiring!?" he was like i think so, whats your resume like, what do you have to offer?" she says "well.........hmmm...i've been living for 19 years." He bust out laughing and is like "ok here is a lesson on what NOT to say during an interview, dont do that again!" she was like" well I was a cashier for about a year but Im in school now" he was like like "whats your major?" She tells him Jazz Studies...he says "oh what do you want to do with that." And with a straight face she says "Nothing". He says NOTHING! and laughs and i smile and she says "yea nothing, I want to be a wife and a mother". He is like oh well I guess youre gonna have a rich husband. She says well yes he has to provide but if he cant I can work. He says "ok work doing what, what do u do?" She says "well, I sing, I dance on stilts-" He was like "WHAT, DANCE ON STILTS" She says yea Im a stilt dancer, oh and Im a storyteller too." By this time he is crackin up and he manages to ask, "WHO ARE YOU GOING TO TELL STORIES TO?" She says "anyone who listens!" The she said "I also plan to obtain a liscene in holistic health practice" He was like "ohhh ok so If I get sick u can give me some natural remedies so I feel better" She was like "YEA!" He was like "ok well good luck with that because I cant do any of that stuff" She was like "YES YOU CAN, YOU CAN DANCE ON STILTS AND TELL STORIES YOU JUST HAVENT CULTIVATED THOSE TALENTS. YOU CAN DO IT TOO" He was like "Naaaaa mannn but Im glad you have the enthusiasm to believe in yourself" Then he turned to me and said "So whats your story, you want to be a homemaker too???"

Yea, I have a job, Im on the right path but honestly this time next year I dont know where I will be. Maybe I'll go to NYU...Maybe I'll be a teacher for Teach For America...Maybe I'll be living in South Africa or Tanzania for a year...Maybe I'll have a good job...Maybe I'll have a shitty one. Fuck if I know.

Carpe Diem - Latin for "Live for the present"
Honestly the only thing that is, is the present and the only thing that was is the past, treat the future like it isnt even here, cuz its not..