Friday, May 22, 2009

Maybe love can make it better...

I must admit…I’m annoyed

I’m annoyed with myself. I’m utterly disappointed in myself. I exit a relationship, reflect, consider what I could have done better, what he could have done better, and how I will act in the future when it comes to him, and who ever is next. I learn the lesson and always see the light at the end of the tunnel, even if the light is make believe, I convince myself that there is light down the road and It was a greattttttt learning experience.
But there is a pattern in my behavior. It involves me coming off as this STRONG BLACK WOMAN with a no nonsense attitude and thennnn after a while, I lose that. I become extra considerate, extra tolerant and extra understanding. Where do you draw the line???
Take Ray Charles wife for instance, she was strong right, right. But she was also sooo weak for staying with a cheating ass junky right, perhaps. How do you measure your needs against your desires? That’s my problem. It isn’t that my boyfriend is cheating, nor is he a junky, but he is unable to meet some of my needs right now. Patience. Ray Charles eventually got it together, right, right. But for every Ray Charles there is a black man who never gets it together. Is time ever wasted if everything happens when it is suppose to, and on time. I guess it comes down to taking control over your life verses expecting shit to work itself out. What is God’s intent?
And this is another issue that I have. I confuse my damn self over simple issues. My issues are simple, I make things complicated. Maybe it has to do with me being a woman. As it seems, men are naturally logical and rational while women are naturally complicated. Women seem to view the world as a web with interlocking events that lead to this big picture. We pay attention to small detail like how far into the relationship that we hold hands or when we exchange a real embrace and not a simple hug. Men view the world for what it is, nothing more, nothing less. A hug is a hug, hand held is a hand held. It doesn’t mean anything except that another sense is playing a role in two people relating to each other…
Maybe I should just act the way he does, try to think like a man. But then the ying and yang will be all thrown off and im a firm believer in balance, so that wouldn’t work for me. My needs would be that much more unmet!
Whatever, maybe love could make it better….

Friday, May 15, 2009


So I've been gone for a longggggggggg time. This semester was a pain in the ass...6 classes, 18 credits, working 20 hours a week, and Ubiquity. it was rough. I managed to get a 3.4 though so its all good. Im happy summer is finally knocking on my front door. Come in

So i have a story, its pretty fun.
My sister, Kaba is in la la land. She is not conventional but she is a beautiful person and I love her dearly. She is broke, and has to pay rent, gas for her car, food, and has about 7 or 8 tickets. Yea thats a problem. So we went to Wachovia to open her up a savings account. She gets 25.00 and I do too for referring her. We go in and start with the assistant. Black guy, prolly 5'10, 26 years old, light skinned, cute. We all get to talking while he is putting in her paperwork. He says, "do you have a job" she says nope, yall hiring!?" he was like i think so, whats your resume like, what do you have to offer?" she says "well.........hmmm...i've been living for 19 years." He bust out laughing and is like "ok here is a lesson on what NOT to say during an interview, dont do that again!" she was like" well I was a cashier for about a year but Im in school now" he was like like "whats your major?" She tells him Jazz Studies...he says "oh what do you want to do with that." And with a straight face she says "Nothing". He says NOTHING! and laughs and i smile and she says "yea nothing, I want to be a wife and a mother". He is like oh well I guess youre gonna have a rich husband. She says well yes he has to provide but if he cant I can work. He says "ok work doing what, what do u do?" She says "well, I sing, I dance on stilts-" He was like "WHAT, DANCE ON STILTS" She says yea Im a stilt dancer, oh and Im a storyteller too." By this time he is crackin up and he manages to ask, "WHO ARE YOU GOING TO TELL STORIES TO?" She says "anyone who listens!" The she said "I also plan to obtain a liscene in holistic health practice" He was like "ohhh ok so If I get sick u can give me some natural remedies so I feel better" She was like "YEA!" He was like "ok well good luck with that because I cant do any of that stuff" She was like "YES YOU CAN, YOU CAN DANCE ON STILTS AND TELL STORIES YOU JUST HAVENT CULTIVATED THOSE TALENTS. YOU CAN DO IT TOO" He was like "Naaaaa mannn but Im glad you have the enthusiasm to believe in yourself" Then he turned to me and said "So whats your story, you want to be a homemaker too???"

Yea, I have a job, Im on the right path but honestly this time next year I dont know where I will be. Maybe I'll go to NYU...Maybe I'll be a teacher for Teach For America...Maybe I'll be living in South Africa or Tanzania for a year...Maybe I'll have a good job...Maybe I'll have a shitty one. Fuck if I know.

Carpe Diem - Latin for "Live for the present"
Honestly the only thing that is, is the present and the only thing that was is the past, treat the future like it isnt even here, cuz its not..