Dear heart

Dear Heart

I know I've put you thru a lot. The next person who comes along will be worth it.

Long gone are the days where I put my heart on a sleeve and not a pedistal. No, Im not going through anything and no, my heart isnt broken…I'm just realizing the damage I've done to myself. I put myself last in many of my relationships and I have been comfortable with it. Not too comfortable where I take massive amounts of bullshit but comfortable enough where i take bullshit and excuse it. When I am in a relationship (whatever that word means) I put y all into it. Then it hits me that its over and just like that, its over. When love flies out the window, I dont go lookin to see where it went and when opportunity comes knocking on my door, I open it. So i never give myself enough time to heal or reflect…and the cycle continues. So this is a shout out to my heart for always having faith that I will get it right.

Pain

I feel like I just took a bullet. Just know that when it hits you, the emotional pain becomes physical, and then you are just that much more immuned to the feeling of being hurt....

Up goes the shield....

If I ever did a wanted Ad..

Gemini (born on the very last day of the sign so Im boarderline cancer)
Twenty-one and a half
I've been told that I'm cool. Whatever.
Enjoys ice cream, big earrings, soul food, movies and head wraps
Opinionated, determined, and loving

I'm looking for a gentleman who looks handsome and is goal oriented, yes ambitious. He needs to be easy on the eyes and outgoing. He should value family, and should always be loyal. He should not be a scrub, instead, he should have a legitimate job. He should know how to drive. Hopefully, wont mind tickling me, and going out of his way to make me smile. I like to be held. He should fully understand his role as a black man- by that i mean, able and willing to provide, give sound advice, be protective, loyal and discipline. Education is important. But he has to know that graduating from college with a little piece of paper does not mean that you are educated, instead he is continuously trying to better himself. I want someone who reads...yea. I listen to Erykah Badu, please have an appreciation for Neo-Soul and R&B. In short, Im looking for people who are assets, not liabilities

I dont want much...right

Asswipe.Muskrat.Platypus.Dirtbaggg

Drunken Afternoons:
Last summer I went on a hideous date. I was talkin to this dude...we'll call him muskrat. Muskrat calls me and was like you tryin to go to the mall, Im like sure. I meet him at his apartment and we ride to pentagon city. Whole time he has this water bottle and is takin sips of it. We walk around for a bit and decide we are going to go to the movies afterward. He says "lets go to the food court real quick" Im like okay. We go to Mccy D's and I get myself some food and all he gets is some juice. We sit down and Im like, all you want is juice? you already have water! He is like this isnt water...and he puts some of what looks like water in the cup of juice. Im sittin there watchin him and I slowwwwwwwwwwly realized that he does...not...have...water...ITS VODKA! He is busy getting drunk on what I thought was a date. OMG OMG OMG. Asswipe. Muskrat. Platypus. Dirtbaggggggg. That is where the date ended


Free Movie Pass Havin Ass:
This summer, last weekend to be exact, I go out with a different guy...we'll call him scrub. Scrub CALLS ME, I dont call him, and asks what im doin. Im like nothin, wassup. He is like we should hang out. Im like okay, what do you wanna do. He says, lets go to the movies. Okayyyy. Im thinkin we can meet at Gallery Place but he says he will come out to Largo. Now, in case you dont know, Largo is ghetto and full of kids. Gallery Place is a lot better. So he gets on the train and I meet him in Largo. We stand in line. He has on a really cute outfit, might I add. We get closer to the front and Im stading in front of him. I think to myself, maybe I should pull out my wallet, so I do. I also think that he is going to tell me to put it back...after all, it is a first date and he asked me out. He doesnt ask me to put it back. So I go ahead and pay for my movie ticket. One for Bruno please. I get my ticket and step asside. Why oh whyyyy does he pull out a free movie pass. A FREE MOVIE PASS. He doesnt pay for my ticket or his!!!! WTF WTF WTF. Asswipe. Muskrat. Platypus. Dirthbaggggg. After the movie he asked, "when ima see you again". Never!!! How the fuck are you gonna pull out a coupan for YOURSELF on a first date and nottt even hook me up. WTF

-Reminder to self...NO SCRUBS!

First Date...

Sooo Im single...No worries. Im dating...worries. A first date is like a 3 hour interview, except there is food and drinks. Nevertheless they can be awkward and everyone wants to seem appealing. Its like you dont want to give too much of yourself away but you want to show enough of yourself so that they can distinguish you, and they dont get you fucked up with someone else. You want them to be intrigued. Its a lot to think about. Not to mention, you have to pay attention to them, to see if you even like them enough to allow them to escort you to another date. When in doubt, there are certain things that I think you should pay attention to. Im no dating expert, my 21st bday wasnt even a week ago but I have gathered some lessons over the years.

Pay close attention to:

1. Shoe size
Self explanatory. Dating doesnt necessarily lead to sex. However most people who date are either looking for a relationship or looking for someone to have sex with. Most men seem to be lookin for someone to have sex with and most women seem to be lookin for a relationship. Either way, if it comes to it, the best thing is to have an idea of whats what. Sex is important and is often underestimated. So dont neglect the shoe size...

2. How he pulls out his money
Tells you something about his swagg, if he values a dollar and how messy or neat his life is. If he has a nicely stack of dollars in a money clip or suitable wallet, its a good thing. More than likely, he is a neat bachelor who organizes everything down to his money. Also he values and accounts for dollar he earns. Jumbled up ones and fives in his pocket that are unattractive. He will prolly look at you when the dinner bill comes and say "I thought I had a twenty". No my brother, unacceptable.

3. How he controls the conversation
Does he have anything to say? Is he intelligent? Or is he nice looking brick wall. Furthermore does he carry the conversation. Does he take control of it but leaves room for you to interject, exchange thoughts and speak? If he takes control of something as minuet as a conversation, then you shouldnt have to worry about making small decisions like picking a place to go out. Also, he may possibly take control in other places that you may want to let him take the lead on. If he is able to execute a conversation then he is able to execute masculinity and let you sit back and be a woman. I prefer that.

Got anything to add?

Spring Cleaning

I febrezed with the air effects
Wit the lemon smell
You know the kind
But it wasn’t enough
Images of you were everyone, not only on my mind

So
I swept (disappointment)
I scrubbed (frustration)
I threw away (false anticipations)
I took the trash out (items that remind me of you)…of the house and backyard (including your tee-shirt and shorts)
And there you were
Still
You wont just bow gracefully
And leave
So I tucked away (feelings)
I vacuumed (hope)
I dusted (fear)
I sprayed some Ajax, mixed with Mr. clean mixed with Scrubbing bubbles
And then I let it sit
And sit
And sit
On the surface It looked clean
But I knew it was dirty as shit
So this is it
I wiped one good time
Then two good times
Then a third
I squeezed my filthy rag
Over the sink
Then I looked back at what was a mess
And it all became clear
And now
Like right now
I don’t even smell you
Hear you
Feel you
Taste you
See you
Nor the stain that we both thought you left

SOI (Statement of Intent)

90% of women want the same things out of their serious relationships...reciprocated commitment, romance, intensity, premium value and respect, perhaps mutual love and TLC. After we get all of this we still arent satisfied. Nothing seems to please us more than the "title". Not necessarily, my girlfriend title but maybe "my baby's mama" if it applies, "my girl" will do, "my baby" can suffice. Everyone wants to be professed as something and everyone loves a title. Men wont admit it but they themselves thrive off of titles. They are soooo set on who they are, what type of man they are, et cetera. Its the difference between Sean Carter and Jay Z, Sean Combs, Puff Daddy and P.Diddy, the difference between a daddy and a Father. Titles mean something special and to be professed as my friend or this is _______ means that, that is exactly who you are, nothing more, nothin less. Even if you are introduced to his mama, his friends, his co workers, you are nothing more than the title, the introduction that he has given you. He isnt claiming you as his own, has not put the notice that you are taken, has not given no special signal or red light that is code for OFFLIMITS. Nothing. And in my mind, if after about a year of receiving nothing more than the friend title, then maybe he has no real plans for being with you any time soon and is probably preoccupied with something else- a woman, a job, comfort in his lifestyle where he doesnt have to commit to you. Whatever the issue is, it is out of your control.
As women, we give and give til it aint nothin left. We are generous, considerate, patient and nurturing and subconsciously try to prove that we are "the one". I say subconsciously because usually it is without effort. And we hold on until we feel that we cant physically, mentally AND emotionally do so anymore. At a certain point the title is important to some of us because it says something. It makes an important statement, a statement of intent.

Maybe love can make it better...

I must admit…I’m annoyed

I’m annoyed with myself. I’m utterly disappointed in myself. I exit a relationship, reflect, consider what I could have done better, what he could have done better, and how I will act in the future when it comes to him, and who ever is next. I learn the lesson and always see the light at the end of the tunnel, even if the light is make believe, I convince myself that there is light down the road and It was a greattttttt learning experience.
But there is a pattern in my behavior. It involves me coming off as this STRONG BLACK WOMAN with a no nonsense attitude and thennnn after a while, I lose that. I become extra considerate, extra tolerant and extra understanding. Where do you draw the line???
Take Ray Charles wife for instance, she was strong right, right. But she was also sooo weak for staying with a cheating ass junky right, perhaps. How do you measure your needs against your desires? That’s my problem. It isn’t that my boyfriend is cheating, nor is he a junky, but he is unable to meet some of my needs right now. Patience. Ray Charles eventually got it together, right, right. But for every Ray Charles there is a black man who never gets it together. Is time ever wasted if everything happens when it is suppose to, and on time. I guess it comes down to taking control over your life verses expecting shit to work itself out. What is God’s intent?
And this is another issue that I have. I confuse my damn self over simple issues. My issues are simple, I make things complicated. Maybe it has to do with me being a woman. As it seems, men are naturally logical and rational while women are naturally complicated. Women seem to view the world as a web with interlocking events that lead to this big picture. We pay attention to small detail like how far into the relationship that we hold hands or when we exchange a real embrace and not a simple hug. Men view the world for what it is, nothing more, nothing less. A hug is a hug, hand held is a hand held. It doesn’t mean anything except that another sense is playing a role in two people relating to each other…
Maybe I should just act the way he does, try to think like a man. But then the ying and yang will be all thrown off and im a firm believer in balance, so that wouldn’t work for me. My needs would be that much more unmet!
Whatever, maybe love could make it better….