Maybe love can make it better...

I must admit…I’m annoyed

I’m annoyed with myself. I’m utterly disappointed in myself. I exit a relationship, reflect, consider what I could have done better, what he could have done better, and how I will act in the future when it comes to him, and who ever is next. I learn the lesson and always see the light at the end of the tunnel, even if the light is make believe, I convince myself that there is light down the road and It was a greattttttt learning experience.
But there is a pattern in my behavior. It involves me coming off as this STRONG BLACK WOMAN with a no nonsense attitude and thennnn after a while, I lose that. I become extra considerate, extra tolerant and extra understanding. Where do you draw the line???
Take Ray Charles wife for instance, she was strong right, right. But she was also sooo weak for staying with a cheating ass junky right, perhaps. How do you measure your needs against your desires? That’s my problem. It isn’t that my boyfriend is cheating, nor is he a junky, but he is unable to meet some of my needs right now. Patience. Ray Charles eventually got it together, right, right. But for every Ray Charles there is a black man who never gets it together. Is time ever wasted if everything happens when it is suppose to, and on time. I guess it comes down to taking control over your life verses expecting shit to work itself out. What is God’s intent?
And this is another issue that I have. I confuse my damn self over simple issues. My issues are simple, I make things complicated. Maybe it has to do with me being a woman. As it seems, men are naturally logical and rational while women are naturally complicated. Women seem to view the world as a web with interlocking events that lead to this big picture. We pay attention to small detail like how far into the relationship that we hold hands or when we exchange a real embrace and not a simple hug. Men view the world for what it is, nothing more, nothing less. A hug is a hug, hand held is a hand held. It doesn’t mean anything except that another sense is playing a role in two people relating to each other…
Maybe I should just act the way he does, try to think like a man. But then the ying and yang will be all thrown off and im a firm believer in balance, so that wouldn’t work for me. My needs would be that much more unmet!
Whatever, maybe love could make it better….

My world, my mind

Some people would say that Im outta my mind
I don’t care to fit into a fed ex box, and be shipped off at anyone’s scheduled time
I’m
Nothing but a possibility
An example of what would happen if people didn’t give a fuck about society
A social experiment of what would go wrong if the world stopped basing themselves off of what they see on T.V.
Guess Im just the outcome of the division in the black community
Never to be
Confused with the multiplication of the typical 80 babies
Apart of the crack kids but at the end of the day, Im just me
And I only add and subtract to myself and my persona as I see fit
No theorem could explain, what you see is what you get
So maybe, since my decimals go on and on, Im outta my mind
An incomprehensible equation, the remainder you still can’t find
I’m
Truly an ass in the crack of society
And the probability of me being ordinary is highly unlikely
With this being said, know that for me, there’s no better place than the state of my mind
I may vacay to the real world every so often but I return home every time

Have you ever felt like it’s a struggle to just be yourself?
You cant find comfort in your own skin cuz no one else is wearing it?
And when you realize that its okay to be EXTRAordinary people act like its horrible. Deep down, everyone wants to be different, or even just wants to be themselves but they are afraid to let go and do them. Im not one of those people…anymore at least. I don’t care about a lot. I try not to even ask for peoples opinions anymore. I don’t wanna know. I just feel like everyone should be free and sit under apple trees and eat grapes all day lol. But I’ve released myself from the pressure of fitting the mold. I’m just me…if that makes any sense…

The Critique

Who???First and foremost I am a Queen (lol, if I don’t claim it, who will right…exactly).
And I do what I want because I can.
Shades black…
Pretty laid back…
Plenty try to hold me back, but fuck em (right??? Right)
“Hater n***** marry hater b****** and have hated kids” right Kanye, right
Refuse to excuse, conform or submit to the system
Some call it revolutionary…I call it evolutionary (you may wanna get wit it)
I get kinda complicated once you start to get under my layers (do you dare lls)
I don’t really care
But Im a female who “loves to love to love ya” (right Timbaland and Magoo, right)
And I put my all into the people I care 4 What???
First and foremost I’m a Queen (If I don’t claim it, who will…exactly).
And I do what I want because I can
Survivor
Strong…
You wont see me sweat, you will never see me cry…
I wont give you the benefit of seeing any negative effects you’ve had on me
You only see what I show you…
“I talk a lot of shit cuz I can back it up…”
Sweet
Petite
Self-lover at all times
Fine like wine (lol)(how I have a poem that halfway rhyme? Cuz I can do that lol)
When???
First and foremost I’m a Queen (If I don’t claim it who will right…exactly).
And I do what I want because I can…
Began June 20th back in the 80s…
Last year…
Last week…
Yesterday…
Today…
Tomorrow…
All day…
Every day…
My heart will always be the same
The core of me will never change
Dana Racine- true til the end of my reignWhy???
First and foremost I’m a Queen (If I don’t claim it who will right…exactly).
And I do what I want because I can…
I do everything I do for me
Ima be satisfied with every decision that I make
Even if it was a mistake
Cuz if I claimed to be perfect I’d be fake
So I keep it real and critique my shit on the daily
And every night, when I lay my head on my pillow, I remind myself that despite everything I’m still a Queen (If I don’t claim it who will) and I do whatever I want because I most definitely can
If you don’t have the same attitude you should adopt it

My POV (Point of view)

I'd like to think that Im a realist
But truthfully, Im just a frustrated idealist
Coozy and comfortably living in this warm fantasy
Distant from the "real world" because Im not impressed by reality
Im just little brown martian who has an afro, high hopes and shallow dreams
Real recognize real and everythings not as it seems
I guess I'd rather be hot and bothered by outlandish possibilities...
Then then to face the stone cold harshness of truthood
Livin like its all golden with no restrictions and no tomorrow, its all gooddddd
No limits, thats how I like to live
No walls, bars, or gates, nothin symbolic to the way the "real world" really is
Whyyyyyy we are molded to be ordinary, motivated with no good motives
Thats why I do what the fuck I want, yes you can quote it :)
Most of us think we have free will but not somehow we're not even willing to be free
Everythings scripted, labeled and packaged to be a worthless entity of society
Well it aint gon be me :)
Its not my cup of green tea
Some say its round but there's some sharp edges of this world, if you ask me
So instead of trying to fit in where I get in I continue to color outside the lines and marvel at the possibilities
Yea, idealistically thinkin that realistically I can continue to live in blurred perplexity
But Ima continue to ride with no seat belt because currently
My soul is indulging in sheer ecstasy
Im not sure that the way its suppose to be
All I know is that true appreciation of life is to live it freely


*This poem was needed to keep me sane. I think its funny but its pretty true. Stay true to you.

Subject To Change

The only man who behaves sensibly is my tailor. He takes my measurements anew each time he sees me. The rest go with their old measurements n expect me to fit them…


Deep down, I am a little southern lady who has adapted to life in the big city
Seasoned with plenty of flavor but mostly lost in the sauce…
A kaleidoscope of intrinsic colors but mixed in just right to form a shade of caramel brown...
Some may see it as a natural disaster but my afro is really my crown...
Honestly, I'm an introvert with extroverted tendencies
I love big words but without singing the song, I cant say my ABCs
A lover of companionship but married to the idea of continuous personal space
I know Ima champ but most of the time I feel like im the turtle in the race
So I plan to trip up my opponents but stay steady on my own pace
I may have been upset about you being with someone else but I laughed hysterically when I saw her face lol...
For real for real, I bare my soul in every situation
For real for real, Im real to the core and could be brutally honest with no hesitation
Im fresh as fabreeze but I will leave you gasping for air
I only apologize when absolutely necessary cuz most of the time I dont care
Like MC Lite, Im hard as a rock but I just try to let it flow
Often times I feel like Im drowning even when Im holding on...I gotta let it go
Anyway
I say
Fuck the police cuz currently Im speeding in the fast lane
I use the word motherfucker from time to time but I dare not use the Lords name in vain
Its a shame
I've come to reconcile that maybe I wont ever be
Picture perfect like B
Perhaps I'll maintain myself as little short crack in the ass of society...
But regardless if I change or remain the same
You can measure me anew each time we meet cuz please believe im subject to change

Weight of the World

The weight of the world gets heavy from time to time

But I have to sit back, think about it and realize that it’s not all in my mind

I carry the weight of my daddy...

Whose infatuation with alcohol lead to pain felt by my mother

After tears, fights and fears he left us for another

I do it for her so as I get myself together, so will she I carry her because for all she went through, she expects the best out of me

My sister… who believes in me more than I do

Learning from her mistakes, I carry the weight of her too

For my cousin…Who came into this world as a crack baby

I do it for him so he knows he can achieve greatness to if he’s stop being lazy

Don’t go to school and really don’t give a fuck

Livin in the falsifications of reality but if he dropped the hood mentality it would be pure luck

Maturity maybe

I do it for the baby who has a junkie for a mother and whose dad is simply crazy

I look out my window; say to myself I do it for the poor

The hungry, the hopeless, the rape victim who has turned into a whore

I carry the pain of your addiction

The pain of your dream differed

For those who commit crimes- the hustlers, the murderers

I carry the weight of the world for those who’d rather die

I do it for Doug, Frankie, Eric, and everyone else who I knew back in the day and now live in the sky

Those who stay high

To suppress the world as it comes

I do it for the boys who don’t care about their future and the girls who just wanna have fun

I do it for the teenage mothers who chose dead beat dads

For those who are positive, unsure, or just wish they never had

Sex

Upgraded from a Volkswagen to a lex

The gold diggers

I do it for those who are in jail but didn’t pull the trigger

Niggas

Who call each other that because they have little knowledge of their true self

The ones on capital hill who make money at our expense and hold most of the wealth

I carry the weight of the world for myself

But I gotta make it for them

This thing on my shoulder isn’t a chip or a burden

Its inspiration …That steamed out of my pain, your oppression and those who are simply hurtin

So this is just a reminder to myself cuz sometimes I don’t remember

Why I gotta be the change that I wanna see in this world from January to December

I need to vent

"We dont care what people say"
Can I talk my shit again, Kayne
I think its time
To just remind
You
And anyone like you
that I dont really care what you think about me
and people like me
I wear my hair in an afro
I spread knowledge and love
I am spiritual and have a personal relationship with the most high above
I inhale stregnth and exhale peace
"Gotta slick mouth, you might wanna roll wit me"
Keep my laces tight so i dont trip
And if you try to push me down I'll find a way to make you slip
So watch out
Because Im free...
In mind spirit and body
This is how I look without make-up and I dress according to how I feel that day
I roll wit intellectuals who stimulate your mind and back up everything we say
Okay
But me, myself I really dont care
Look at my hair, does it look like I care?
Because I dont, I do whatever I wanna do
I say whatever I wanna say
I may share myself with some people but I always belong to me
So I am the most important person in my life right now
Therefore no one elses opinions matter!
This is how I live my life
I like to use up all the hot water when I shower...
ommmm so yea- thanks for listening

My reality

I am....
Not impressed by reality
Instead...I prefer to live in a world with no limits
No consequences
Instability is the key
To me
The attainment of freedom in this world is easy
Unlike reality
where you are easily boxed into categories
And shipped out to become an ordinary entity of society
This world with its walls, boxes, shackles and rules
The unexpected is expected, its accepted and not up for ridicule
Inhibition is my mission as I move through this life such as a fish in water
Drowning in the belief that this is all life has to offer
I'd rather swim with no water and float directly under the sun
Not worried about dotting my i's or crossing my t's just letting it go undone

The Truth is...

I may share a little of myself but I belong to me
I pick and choose who I want to let in and which parts of myself I want them to be acquainted with
No one knows me fully but me
Its my way and I like it like that
The truth is...
Im an introvert who either forces herself to become more extroverted or sometimes I just have extrovert tendencies
Its like there are two completely different sides of me
Two conflicting women
Both fighting to prove themselves as the real me
But no one really knows this
Gemini...
Often times I want space just as much as I want companionship
Two extreems, either one or the other
I yern to but the truth is...im never satisfied
The truth is...
I know that no one can love me like I love me so I rarely give people the opportunity to prove themselves anymore
I prefer it that way